I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
