dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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