I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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