She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
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