Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
