I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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