never play flip cup with pint glasses
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
