I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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