He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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