I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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