Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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