I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
