Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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