i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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