I wish I could punch you in the face.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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