well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
