and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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