my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
