I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I am midnight drunk by noon
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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