if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Randomize
