It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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