I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
