I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
