My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
