I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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