dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How does it feel to date your dad?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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