my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
