what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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