so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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