I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
