I think I died a long time ago.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
