my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
