Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
