Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
