I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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