I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
