My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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