Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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