I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I fill condoms, not promises.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
