I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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