i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
