oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
