I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
