Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
