One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
