Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
