Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just cropdusted the office
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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