My liver just broke up with me...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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