I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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