Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
